


for i hold your pain most dear

by Rethira



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 13:33:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16833616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rethira/pseuds/Rethira
Summary: eggsy's born with a multitude of scars





	for i hold your pain most dear

**Author's Note:**

> xposted from my tumblr, originally written all the way back in 2015
> 
> soulmate au where people feel each other's pain/injuries and have matching scars

eggsy’s born with a multitude of scars - it scares his mum and worries his dad. they’re all well healed, some even look old, long faded to pale silvery scars. none of them seem to hurt eggsy, and the doctors say it’s normal, or relatively normal. and in the long run, at least eggsy will always know there’s someone out there, someone for him

“and they’ve been waiting a long time, i’d say” one doctor says, and that just makes michelle more scared. her little baby, connected to someone who is older and - if the scars are any indication - who leads a very dangerous lifestyle

the upshot of it is that lee unwin decides to join the military; he’s not a fool, and more than one of eggsy’s scars are- well, they didn’t come from home accidents. so he joins the military and thinks, i’ll show my son how to protect himself, just for the day when he might need it

he never does get to teach eggsy. a handful of whispered tips when michelle isn’t listening and eggsy’s too young to really understand don’t amount to a thorough education, not by any standards

but the job was too much, not an opportunity lee could pass up - the things he’d _learn_ being a kingsman, and the money, the money is so much, and eggsy will need it

every parent has big dreams for their children. not all of them get to see them to fruition

michelle unwin feels the moment her husband dies; she’s in a sainsbury’s, shopping, telling eggsy to put those crisps back, and then a blast of pain _rips_ through her and she screams, passes out. when she comes to, she’s in an ambulance, eggsy clinging to her hand and crying, and all michelle can say is “he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead”

* * *

eggsy learns pretty early on to hide his pains, both his and… well, not his. he stops poking his bruises when he’s about eleven, because one time when he did that like five seconds later this long cut opened on his forearm, like someone blocked a knife and eggsy thinks _i distracted them_. the other person never really responded to eggsy’s not-so-gentle poking anyway, not like jamal’s matches do, but eggsy still likes the idea of someone out there for him enough that he doesn’t actually _want_ them to get hurt, even if it’s the only way he’ll ever know they exist

eggsy doubts he’ll ever meet them. someone older, mum had said, who did something dangerous - eggsy has more than enough proof of _that_ all over his body - and they seem to totally ignore eggsy’s existence, so

besides, eggsy doesn’t really want to meet them anyway. after dad died- well, mum fell apart, didn’t she? eggsy’d learned pretty sharpish how to look after himself, _and_ her. it’s not going to happen to him. eggsy’s not going to let himself get _that_ dependent, no matter what

and then there’s dean

he’s nice, to start with. disconnected, he says, never met who he was matched with. their pain just cut out one day and he never knew why, he says. mum likes him, or thinks she likes him, which is almost as good

but he doesn’t stay nice, and by the time eggsy’s realised, dean’s fully entrenched - “i’m gonna marry your mum” he says, after moving in, and his lackeys practically move in too

the first time dean hits eggsy, eggsy’s too shocked to do anything about it. he shakes afterwards, not with pain or fear, but with anger. how _dare_ dean do that? how fucking _dare_ he?

eggsy tries to fight back next time, thirteen and skinny, and dean just grabs his arm and _squeezes_

that night, for the first time eggsy can remember, the person he’s connected to presses their fingers against one of eggsy’s bruises

_fair enough_ , eggsy thinks. after all, it’s not every day someone ends up with a hand shaped bruise on their arm

* * *

after ramming rottie’s car into the police car - and fuck if rottie didn’t deserve to have his car totaled - eggsy’s only regret is that the person he’s connected to will probably think something bad happened to eggsy (again), and not know that eggsy made this bed and is going to fucking lie in it

it’s a passing thought that leads eggsy to call the number on the medal, and then a very, very old recollection of a guy in a posh suit saying “oxfords, not brogues” that gets him out. free, except he probably can’t go home because dean will… kill him, probably, or try to

and then there’s the guy in the posh suit and eggsy’s- he doesn’t mention being attracted to men much, because that kind of thing in eggsy’s neighbourhood - under the same roof as fucking _dean_ , really - is likely to get him beaten and left for dead, but _damn_

when harry reveals he’s responsible for eggsy’s newfound freedom, eggsy’s willing to get on his knees just for the principle of the thing - men like harry bloody hart do not do favours for guys like eggsy, leastwise not without expecting something in return

harry just says “let’s go for a drink” and seems perfectly happy going to the black prince, even if it’s probably pretty shabby by his standards. they don’t even water his guinness like they usually do, probably because harry looks like he could buy and sell the entire pub… and maybe partially because the barman sells nice info to dean and something like eggsy coming to the pub with someone like harry hart is _exactly_ the kind of info dean would pay a mint for

harry settles into what is usually rottie’s seat and well, normally eggsy wouldn’t sit here if you paid him, but. but.

when rottie rolls up, trailed by poodle and the rest of dean’s thugs, eggsy hisses “let’s go” and fully expects harry hart to walk out the door and never come back - except then he has to run his mouth off and then all eggsy wants, all he really wants out of life right now, no matter what shit harry was just saying, all eggsy wants is _not_ to see harry get murdered in front of him

when rottie threatens him, eggsy’s quick to say “you should go” because well, he might be a posh git and he might’ve been really fucking rude, but- but he got eggsy out of jail and he sounded so _proud_ when he talked about dad and here’s one person who’s maybe not good, but not quite bad either, and eggsy wants to keep him… safe. least he can do, after dad saved his life. not a bad legacy, unwins keeping harry hart out of trouble. not a bad legacy

there’s a sort of off expression on his face as he gets up to go, but he does go. poodle says “if you’re looking for another rent boy they’re on the corner of smith street” and eggsy winces because _no_ but maybe kind of yes, if harry’d wanted, and now it’ll never happen

except harry stops and he says “manners. maketh. man” and then he does to rottie and the others what they’ve been doing to other people for _years_ and it’s _beautiful_

* * *

it’s worse than dean’s done in years, and eggsy spares a brief, pained thought for the person feeling this through him. bad enough _he_ has to have dean hitting him, let alone someone else (he’s never touched daisy, but then again, eggsy’d made it pretty clear that the minute dean hurt daisy, all bets were off)

still there’s a kind of freedom in this, in repeating “i don’t know what you’re on about i don’t know what you’re fucking on about” a certain freedom in knowing that eggsy can and _will_ keep his mouth shut about harry hart forever, if necessary. dean can do whatever he feels like and he’ll _never_ be able to make eggsy talk, not for anything

and then harry hart’s talking and for a second, a legitimate actual second, eggsy thinks he’s hallucinating or maybe dean’s actually killed him because there’s no way, there is _no way_

but mum and dean seem to be able to hear him too, and dean actually looks _scared_ so. so it’s _real_ , and harry says “eggsy, meet me at the tailor i told you about” like it’s easy to get to bloody savile row from here, walking

eggsy goes. of course he goes

* * *

merlin says “if any of you are uncomfortable with the idea of the person or persons you’re connected to feeling the pain you will endure over the course of the next few weeks, i advise you to leave now”

no-one leaves

* * *

they’re eating breakfast when the pain hits - roxy later says he screamed like he was dying or something, but at the time all eggsy’s really aware of is _pain._ merlin grabs his shoulder and that’s- that’s even _worse_ and he rips open the front of eggsy’s awful plaid jumpsuit and-

possibly eggsy blacks out for a bit there. when he comes to, merlin is saying “that fucker, that magnificent _bastard_ \- look, the rest of you, fuck off right now, eggsy’s just- there’s been an accident and eggsy’s feeling it, he’ll be fine”

“what happened” eggsy croaks, and merlin’s head snaps around so fast he’s lucky he doesn’t give himself whiplash

“i don’t know yet, eggsy” merlin says “i’ll know soon”

after a while, the pain abates sharply and for a second eggsy thinks _they’re dead_ and his face must say it too because merlin says “they’re _not_ dead, eggsy, just on painkillers” and then he hustles eggsy outside to pick a puppy

eggsy teases roxy half heartedly; she does her best not to stare at the bruises already mottling the side of eggsy’s throat

* * *

it isn’t until eggsy opens the door to harry’s room that it all clicks into place - merlin’s talking to some other agent, some old man who gives eggsy a look over his glasses

“uh” eggsy says, because he’d been intending to ask if harry was gonna be alright, wanted to see if it’d be okay to visit but- but they’d said harry was injured this morning, like, maybe around breakfast, and harry’s neck is in a brace while eggsy’s is _sore as hell_ , and the painful tightness around eggsy’s arm is obviously from the thing measuring harry’s blood pressure and-

“make him proud” merlin says, and whispers “we’ll talk later”

the old man behind him looks… well he looks at eggsy like eggsy’s some dog shit he accidentally stepped in, and eggsy figures that anything merlin _wants_ to say isn’t going to be said in front of this guy

“yeah” eggsy agrees, and then it’s even kind of easy to go outside and back to his puppy, jb, and think _it’s harry, it’s harry, it’s harry_

* * *

their conversation goes like this:

“he didn’t tell you did he?” merlin asks

“are you mad” eggsy replies, because- well he probably wouldn’t have believed it if harry _had_ said, but “how did he even know himself, how do _you_ know”

merlin sighs loudly and rubs the bridge of his nose. “only harry can tell you how he knew, but trust me on this, that bastard knew _well_ before he brought you here. as for me… well, galahad went down at about the same time you did, and harry has a scar below his collar bone.” merlin pauses. “you have the match to it - not the original, i know, because i sewed the sorry bastard up”

“oh”

“besides which, this is exactly the kind of stunt harry would pull” merlin continues

eggsy frowns “i’m not getting kicked out, am i?”

“no, no, even if you weren’t - what’s the colloquial? ‘soulmates’ has always sounded very fanciful to me - connected, that’s it, even if you weren’t connected to him he’d have brought you here anyway. actually, it’s probably more like he brought you to kingsman in _spite_ of you being connected”

merlin says some other stuff too, but eggsy kind of stops paying attention

it makes sense, really. eggsy’d never wanted to meet- harry, never wanted to know who he was connected to. it’d be… easier, probably

and it makes sense that harry’d be the same way. didn’t want to meet, didn’t want to know, _definitely_ didn’t want to find out that his every pain was echoed in a twenty-odd chav who’d never had a job, never done anything worthwhile and given up on life, practically

still hurts, though. still hurts

* * *

eggsy doesn’t bring it up when harry wakes up. seems like if _he_ didn’t mention it, maybe he was happy with eggsy not knowing in the first place, and. and eggsy doesn’t know _how_ to say it anyway like what, just roll in and be like ‘yeah i felt it when you were almost exploded it was pretty not cool’

nah, just no way. no. no way

besides, harry’s not an idiot. he’ll know that eggsy knows, and he’ll know that eggsy knows he knows so they can both just not discuss it and everything will be fine

and there’s the tests to pass anyway, and harry has a lead to follow and… there’s just not _space_ to talk about it, and no point anyway

harry’s not gonna do anything and neither is eggsy

just

urgh

just. get on with it

* * *

it feels _so_ good when harry says “bloody well done”

bonus; harry isn’t actually going to feel eggsy get run over by a train, now a legitimate concern in eggsy’s mind

* * *

when he gets right down to it, eggsy would still get on his knees if harry asked. the whole 24 hours with your mentor honestly reads just like ‘you have 24 hours to fuck each other silly’ to eggsy - well, some of the kingsmen proposed their own family members so maybe not so much on the silly fucking for them but for everyone else?

so it’s not a surprise when harry takes eggsy home - not to _eggsy’s home_ , but harry’s home, which is like a ten minute walk from the shop and honestly kind of… incredible

it feels like a night for reckless behaviour, so halfway through making the perfect martini eggsy lickls his lips and says “we ever gonna talk about it? about… us”

harry raises his eyebrows. “i had thought you didn’t want to” he replies “you hardly seemed like you wanted to”

eggsy shrugs. “di’n’t know how to say it. ‘s not exactly the sorta thing you just blurt out, y’know?”

“indeed i do know, eggsy. why else do you think _i_ didn’t mention it? it’s…” harry sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “i’d lived without the connection for long enough, eggsy, that it was very much a surprise to suddenly find out one existed. i knew of course that you would be very much younger than i am, but only later did i….”

eggsy nods. “when did you- uh, when did you know for sure? i mean, what- what made you sure?”

harry looks kind of sad as he reaches out and rests his hand on eggsy’s shoulder. “i suspected when you returned home. there was no camera, but the sounds coincided too perfectly with every slap i felt. i wasn’t certain until the water test”

“oh” eggsy says. figured that harry would’ve felt eggsy’s lungs aching, he’d just never really thought about it before

“merlin’s independently confirmed it, of course. he even produced comparison photos” harry smiles. “sometimes i worry about that man”

“yeah me too… so” eggsy stops. “so. us. _is_ there an us, harry?”

the look harry gives eggsy is _unbearably_ fond. he tilts eggsy’s head up, just a little, and leans in - his lips brush eggsy’s cheek and harry says “only if you want it, eggsy”

and at this moment in time, in this place, standing in harry hart’s kitchen holding a half-made martini, eggsy honestly can’t think of anything he wants more

* * *

of course, then it all goes tits up

nothing lasts forever

* * *

harry’s disappointment after the fucking dog test hurts more than all the gunshots, knife cuts or _explosions_ eggsy’s felt through him

and then harry’s gone, leaving eggsy with just “i’ll sort out this mess when i get back” and that awful, horrible _disappointed_ expression on his face

( _i thought better of you_ , that expression says, and it cuts deep)

* * *

eggsy wanders around in harry’s home in a daze, drained and empty and _ruined_ , until he finally turns up in harry’s office with all his ridiculous articles - and no power on earth will ever convince eggsy that harry actually _reads_ the sun - and his laptop is right there-

just something to feel closer to him, briefly. last chances and all that, and harry hadn’t said eggsy couldn’t use it so he logs on and

and harry is apparently already in kentucky, just settling down on a pew. all the people look normal; harry’s glasses catch snatches of conversation here and there and they’re all so _mundane_ and that valentine guy is nowhere to be seen

all semblance of normality goes right out the window when the preacher starts his sermon, if it can even be called that

the things this guy is saying… they’re _rank_ , disgusting. people like this are so _foul_ , so fucking _vile_ , and how the hell is harry sitting through this? how isn’t he- no he’s a kingsman. he’s a kingsman and shit like this skates off him like water off a duck. bigger fish to fry, and what does it matter if a bunch of dickheads in some church are practically frothing at the mouths? harry has more important matters to attend to

harry’s voice cuts through eggsy’s musing; “i’m a catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, jewish boyfriend who works in a military abortion clinic. so, hail satan, and have a lovely afternoon madam” he says, and it’s just so fucking _harry_ that eggsy laughs

“god you’re gorgeous, you bloody wanker” eggsy murmurs, not even caring if someone might hear him

harry’s leaving and that’s… something. he hasn’t got what he came for, hasn’t seen valentine but he’s leaving and-

and then he isn’t. then he’s shooting a woman in the head, and yeah, she’s shouting “you will drown in the blood of the lord” but that’s- that’s kind of an over-fucking-reaction there

and then the church goes to hell

* * *

eggsy can’t stop watching. it’s sick how easy harry puts these people down. they’re trying to kill each other and harry, but they’re so fucking ridiculously outclassed - a few get in lucky hits, and eggsy flinches at each one he feels. whacked in the back once, and stabbed in the shoulder and then harry explodes another one of those lighter grenades and-

“what did you do me?” harry asks valentine “i had no control. i killed all those people. i wanted to”

eggsy wants- wants harry to know he’s there. but- no distractions. and… and harry wouldn’t want eggsy to have _seen_ all that. probably. maybe

“this ain’t that kind of movie” valentine says, and then he shoots harry in the head

* * *

it’s eggsy’s phone that wakes him up, ringing somewhere down by his foot. eggsy’s already reaching for it before he remembers, thumb’s already accepting the call

“eggsy?” merlin says “eggsy where are you?”

eggsy swallows. “harry’s. i’m. i’m at harry’s”

merlin breathes out in relief. “ok, that’s good. that’s fine. that’s. just stay there, will you? don’t. don’t do anything stupid”

“merlin i was watching” eggsy says “i know. i. i know”

he’s probably not supposed to hear merlin’s “fuck” and he’s going to- to say _something_ and eggsy can’t

he hangs up, practically runs downstairs. only stops for a shot of something, harry keeps, _kept_ fancy shit on the sideboard and he’d sat at the head of the table and tried to teach eggsy the right way to eat a boiled egg and toast soldiers _without_ making a mess, honestly eggsy-

the downstairs loo’s still open, and harry’s stuffed dog is staring at eggsy mournfully like _it’s your fault, you killed him_ and god, he’d been so _angry_ -

fuck. fuck. fuck

can’t stay here

eggsy drives to the shop and his feet lead him up the stairs. chester king’s in the dining room and honestly, eggsy still thinks he’s a bastard, a posh fucking git, who thinks the silver spoons up his arse make him better than anyone, but “arthur, harry’s dead”

harry’s dead

“galahad is dead” arthur corrects, and even that rankles. like harry doesn’t _deserve_ his own name- fuck

work. that’s the thing. harry’d died to get information, so fuck if eggsy’s gonna let his information go to waste

but arthur, chester, he brushes off eggsy’s concerns and there’s… something not quite right about that. he invites eggsy to sit, which is even _more_ suspicious and- yeah

eggsy knows that scar. it’s _possible_ , just about, that maybe arthur’s match is with valentine, but. but

it’s kind of funny how arthur doesn’t notice. harry had. not much got past harry. not much

arthur picks up the pen and yeah, definitely not his soulmate or whatever. not even surprising, really. people like chester king… no, not surprising at all

“can you guess what this is?” arthur asks, and signs his own fucking death warrant

eggsy looks over to the mirror. there’s a vivid mark on his forehead. it almost hurts even

“i’d rather be with harry, thanks” eggsy says

chester king dies cursing eggsy’s name, and that’s something

* * *

the suit harry had made is a perfect fit, obviously, and it _burns_ that harry won’t see him in it

merlin paints some concealer over the mark on eggsy’s forehead. they don’t talk about it

“show time” eggsy murmurs as they land

* * *

it’s still pretty rank when all their heads explode, and… well, eggsy does feel pretty shit about anyone who might have felt that but. but

a few hundred people versus the whole world? no contest

and then he meets a princess

it’s cool for all of like, three seconds, and then eggsy has to go save the world

* * *

when eggsy goes to valentine, as he leans down, he wipes the concealer off his forehead. valentine’s eyes widen slightly

“well it’s like you said to harry” eggsy says “this ain’t that kind of movie, bruv”

* * *

maybe two or three days after saving the world, eggsy wakes merlin up with a frantic phone call. he shouts “i’m feelin’, merlin, i’m feeling _pain_ and it _ain’t_ mine!”

“ _shit”_ merlin hisses, and ten minutes later he’s found “john doe” aka harry fucking hart in a kentucky hospital, most assuredly _alive_


End file.
